Life and Death

Today, I sit back losing one of the most important denizens of my life. Not materialistic but something which can breath. A human.

I wonder how powerless are we ? what have we got ? We studied the whole human body but, we cant make anything similar. We have studied history of whole world but, can never learn from it. What are we ? A verbose answer will be – Breathing animal of highest intelligence with no power. We cant predict death. we cant stop death. We don’t know anything about tomorrow or may be things after few moments. Still, we are proud of our achievements. We plan future. But in reality we cant even plan a moment.

May be the confused thinking pattern of my mind reached a conclusion. Life is a mystery not worth solving. The way to live life is not to solve mystery it is something different. It is to be involved in the mystery i.e. go with the flow. Never try to predict it, Never try to define it and never try to understand it.

As i understand life deeper, i understand the power of hope. I know that hope for prosperity is more reassuring than fear of loss. Fear is an creation of mind. It can be or it cannot be. Never fall prey to it, always hope for things you wish to happen. I hope my denizen reaches heaven and keeps watching me from there and bless me for every step of my life. I hope by each passing day the pains lose their strength and prosperity takes over. I hope this life gets full of so much happiness that to think of loss there remains no moment. I hope my denizen remains with me forever as a precious memory that never fades away.

The denizen is my grand mother.

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The Last Death….

It was around 4 in the evening. Heavy rains were lashing the streets, the roads looked perfectly wet and those green leaves looked completely washed. Devraj was driving his hatchback car. He was aware of the various sounds his car was making but, was conspicuously neglecting them. He had a wave of thoughts within his brain and the wave was seeking most of his attention. He didn’t even care about the mechanics stall which went back, he just kept on driving. It was now turning dark and the window pains were completely covered with rain drops while the wiper worked on front glass. Devraj could here those rain drops falling on the roof and within these sounds were also the sounds which car made. At a turning on the highway the car finally gave up and stopped. Devraj was now present in the moment and made several attempts to get the car started. After around 10 failures he finally got down and opened the setup of car. In these fraction of seconds Devraj’s white shirt was completely wet and those brown trousers too. He tried all the engineering he know but, the car didn’t start. Frustrated he went back inside the car, wiped his broad face and curly hairs. He took out his shoes and kept them on the back seat. He strength-ed his seat back and sat. He closed his eyes and felt the silence within all the noise and the comfort within all the disturbances. He was almost asleep.

A man in his 50 s with hair pony tailed wearing white jacket and black pants knocked on the window of car. Devraj woke and without much thinking opened the door. He sat inside. He told Devraj that he was travelling on this highway on his motorcycle, since its raining immense he came for shelter inside the car. Devraj passed a smile and told him his name. Nothing more. The moments were quiet. The only sound was that of rains. It was 6 o clock in evening and the ambiance outside was blue.

“What you do ?” The man asked

Devraj never told about his dual life to anyone. Suddenly he felt like speaking everything to a stranger and bringing down the burden of guilt in his heart.

“I work with a contract killer. He kills and I take care of the body. Mostly I burn them by splitting kerosene”

The man wasn’t shocked he smiled and asked “What else troubles you?”

Devraj was now confident and smooth. Without thinking of consequences he was releasing the guilt.

“Guilt. It troubles me the most. Every time i go through this highway to burn the bodies I promise to myself that i wont do it again. But, these situations in life they make me do it every time. I have a family to feed. I never see the faces of people I burn. I have a mindset that they will haunt me and in fact I firmly believe that seeing those faces will change my life forever. I will see them everywhere and every moment i will suffer from guilt. They might try to finish me.”

The man had a sleek smile on his face.

“Devraj. There is something else that’s troubling you more today.”

Devraj was quiet for sometime. He could feel the burden relieving as he kept on speaking the truth.

“Today when i received the body i could sense his hands moving. I could hear fade voices of help. I felt like i can help him but then I did not. Today, i felt like a killer” Devraj’s tone was heavy and somewhere his heart was crying.

“See Devraj. I have done the same work as you but in a different country. I have burned more than 50 people and some could have been saved. But, I didn’t save them. This is a business and we are businessman.”

“How did you lived with the guilt of not saving lives ?” Devraj asked while amazed at knowing the truth

“I had a method”

“What method ?” Devraj saw a hope in conversation

“I never saw faces of dead people. But, I always saw faces of people i felt like i could save and I used to see them till they didn’t die. This gave me a satisfaction that I didn’t kill them. See Devraj the guilt will be there for ever but the frustration of not saving a life will never come back again after this.”

Devraj was slowly gulping in the advice. His brain was not judging and he felt like doing exactly as the man said

“Its time I bid good bye. My motorbike is some distance back. Thanks for the shelter and do take my advice” The man exited with a smile and also the rain has stopped. It was 8 o clock in night.

Devraj opened the hatch back and it was empty as it should be. Then he lifted the mat and from below that he lifted the back seat. The body was there wrapped in black. Devraj used his blade to cut down the upper portion and saw the face. It was  A man in his 50 s with hair pony tailed wearing white jacket and black pants. Devraj could feel the chill within his body. His body hair straight. He looked every side to find him but he was nowhere. The cold winds were making Devraj more insecure. For few moments he couldn’t think of anything. Frightened he came back inside the car. He saw his cell phone which notified of 11 missed calls from his wife from period of 6 to 8 pm. Devraj was confused. If he was awake and talking to the man then why didn’t he hear the ringtone and attend the call.

The night was young and it started raining again.

The release of guilt or the welcome of fear.

A Dream or a Reality.


The Winter Times

Its December 12th and the winters in India has begun.

Winters has always been special to me. I loved those cool breeze hitting my face when i rode my bike or when i looked out from the window of my car also sometimes when i just walk those empty roads in those blue hours of evening and these silent chilling breezes passing by me very smoothly, very comfortably. The mornings of winter has been special to any one i guess. Those magnificent rays bring down the much needed warmth and the much awaited relief. Its like those sun rays have become part of enjoying winters.

These seasons always make me philosophical i find each one of them as a simile to situations of life. within those intricacies of my mind i have given identity to each season some are situations of positiveness and others negativity. Decoding those eclectic layers makes me write about them and the vicious circle which comes out.

January to March- the beginning of year. its the continuation of winter which is cold, comfy and silent. when those beautiful roses blossom and when those evening walks are perfect. Thanks to cool breeze. The perfect season to start a year. May be the almighty’s way to give humans a amazing start of year.

April to June – the mid time. The saddest part of year. this is time when those sun rays which were almost heaven in winter become enemies. This may be the challenge of almighty just to make sure that all of us see the bad times to appreciate the good times.

July to October – Half yearly. Its that time of year when black clouds pour those drops of eternity. This is most assuring time of year assuring the fact that no matter what went wrong till now but an end is coming. This is indication that finest time of season is still left and will soon come. These rains are the seeds of tomorrows happiness and each drop reassures that those trees wont be withered any more, those roses know its time to grow and those souls know its time to let go.

November to January- The Winter. the best time of year, the most unique time of year and most importantly the happiest time of year. One should let go of those thousand pains and get lost in this madness of winter. when the days aren’t long and the night isn’t short. Its the time of year when that tired soul will let go of his burdens of life and just hope for peace and happiness. Finally, the year will end and no matter what happened in between the year, the end is always reassuring happiness and a hope for a bright tomorrow. May be its the end that matter or may be a happy end and the vicious cycle goes on. Observe. Feel. Live.

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What is Death ?

What Is Death ? 

A intrepid and disturbing question. It has ability to pause moments and make us get lost for sometime to present an answer which is plausible and aesthetic at same time. I know the answer. The end of an living being such that they cant breathe again is death. But, my acrimony with death makes me add so much more to the definition.

Death isn’t just last rhyme of your breath. Its so much more. Death is end of those thousand moments knitted all over the life. the moments being anything- the birthday with friends, the graduation day, night spent at camp sleeping under those billion stars, the first kiss, the smile you brought on your parents face, marriage, first child, first salary, failure, break-up, accident, problems with god, insecure times and thousand of those reassuring and obstructive moments. I am a huge fan of movie “AMERICAN BEAUTY” which is a beautiful portrayal of sorrow, betrayal, selfishness, love, lust and by the end of the movie these emotions flow in a common river of Death.  My most favorite dialogue from the movie is

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true of every day but one – the day you die.

this dialogue further broadens my addition to the definition of death. The dialogue captures the essence of death and how tragic it can be. It also provokes us to look at the other side and stop confounding about future. In the movie, the lead character says there is a 30 second moment in which all the finest times of life play. Have you made enough fine time for those 30 seconds?. Death was never about just an end of breath, it was end of memories of one complete life time. Its also end of your presence in someone else’s life. All the relations with which you were born to all the relations which you made. The emptiness of your absence will be heavy. Souls of loved ones will scream for you and produce sorrow of lifetime. Those empty rooms will echo the sorrow of your absence and those fests of friend will miss your presence. The time will be harsh and will pass slowly but, then there lies the silver lining. The time will definitely pass. Pains of yesterday will be washed by clouds of tomorrow and hope for happiness will try to fill your presence though later.

The summed up addition to the definition of death would be Death is an manner. Death is above a simple end it is breaking of ties of love, acquaintances and surroundings but, the only silver lining is hope. which will occur definitely and the only way to wash the pain of death is to be lost in hope of happiness.

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Moments Within Time

We are all lost in search of perfection but, we don’t understand perfection.

Perfection is an illusion and so will our life become if we are lost in its pursuit.

YES ! a mirage more attractive and more clingy than any known mirage and we all are lost in them, apparently in pursuit of them. Imagining a beautiful life is not a seldom but, where we lack is expecting. imagination is once again a mirage but, with an eclectic conditions. imagination with expectation can lead to wonders but then there lies our mistake, our imagination are mostly banal, bleak and most importantly we have seeded a negativity in our brain in the deepest tissue. this negativity makes imagination a pure mirage and conspicuously makes an imagination a waste of time.

Who doesn’t imagine ??

the answer would be no one of course.

Its the degree of imagination that matters. I have seen thousand quotes from history where the stress is primarily on imagination but, as we moved towards a modern world this trend decreased. happiness was long gone, imagination was replaced by day dreaming and most important knowledge considered was of knowing about people and theories.

but, if we take a moment out of our scenario and go back in those times (which can be soporific for some but definitely interesting for every one) we realize that in history knowledge was considered the act of knowing oneself. we have numerous example of people from history in various fields ranging from politics to religion; guru Nanak to Steve jobs. they were all on equivocal ground. the ground where all were enriched with laws of life and enlightened to change the world in way no one ever did. To reach the state where these legends used to dwell we have to firstly, break our own barrier and now that barrier is of society, rules and pursue of perfect life. we have to rise above this and think of ourselves and our passion and then follow our heart and conspicuously we will make a life which looks perfect in eyes of a pursuer of perfection but, we know the reality that the aim is to just find oneself, the rest follows.

the greatest education of life would be to know oneself and we need to draw out a single moment from rush of life, think back and begin from basic and delineate at each stage, child hood – dreams and aspirations and then to adult hood. finding out our dreams and things that give happiness to heart and heal life. This isn’t possible till we are lost in pursuit of perfect life because that is an illusion at every stage there is misery, there may be temporal happiness sometimes but, then it is up to us to decide what happiness we prefer in life.

ephemeral or eternal ??

The moment is now and the knowledge is forever.

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